Bible Study—Resolving Interpersonal Conflicts

The wrong way to resolve a conflict

A dour Englishman was seated on a train between two ladies arguing about the window. One claimed that she would die of heatstroke if it stayed closed. The other said she would expire of pneumonia if it was opened. The ladies called the conductor, who didn’t know how to resolve the conflict. Finally, the gentleman spoke up. “First, open the window. That will kill the one. Then close it. That will kill the other. Then we will have peace.”—Bible.org, Lesson 16: Resolving Conflicts God’s Way

Sources of Conflicts

In her book From Conflict to Resoltion: Skills and strategies for Individual, Couple, and Family Therapy, Dr. Susan M. Heitler, Ph. D., identifies three sources of conflicts.

• within oneself (which therapists refer to as intrapsychic conflict)
• between oneself and one or more others
• between oneself and a circumstance (e.g., illness, financial difficulties)

How pervasive and harmful are familial conflicts to children? The National Institute of Health Library of Medicine (NIH) notes: Everyday Conflict in Families at Risk for Violence Exposure: Examining Unique, Bidirectional Associations with Children’s Anxious- and Withdrawn-Depressed Symptoms

He Said, She Said—What about the Children?

Another NIH study titled Parental divorce or separation and children’s mental health cites, “An increasing number of children across the world experience family instability due to divorce/separation and the consequences of non‐marital childbearing/cohabitation1.

Alternatives to stable marriage are most common in Western countries (including Australia and New Zealand) and less common but growing in industrializing Asia. Cohabitation, which is more unstable than marriage, is especially common in Northern and Western Europe, necessarily lowering rates of divorce but not of single‐parent households.

The US has been a “leader” in family change with an early (rising in the late 1960s) and high increase in divorce, followed by an explosion in non‐marital birth with or without cohabitation. Divorce increased in most other Western nations a decade or two later; industrializing Asia appears to be in the midst of change. Today, only about 60% of US children live with their married, biological parents, a low second only to Latvia.

The Big Question omitted by the adults in the room: What about the children?

A Biblical Perspective on Conflict Resolution

The root of the conflict is always sin. The first couple in the history of mankind was a man named Adam and a woman named Eve.

A man is incomplete without a woman. Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18

God afforded great liberties to Adam and Eve. There was only ONE prohibition: And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.” Genesis 2:16-17

Temptation, the lure of Satan, seduced Eve to disobey God by eating the fruit of the prohibited tree. “You surely will not die! For God knows that on the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

So, Eve plucked the ‘forbidden fruit’ and shared it with her husband, who was with her. Adam knew the rules. He could have warned her and reminded her of God’s commandment, but he did not. “When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasing to the eyes and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” Genesis 3:6-7

What if neither party ‘knows the rules’? Nonsense. God speaks to all men and women through His grace, a gift of the power and the desire to do God’s will. You can think of the effect of grace as your conscience, the inner sense of what is right or wrong in one’s conduct or motives, impelling one toward right action.

Our English word grace derives from the Greek word χάριτος, pronounced khar’-ece (chairs), meaning a gift.

¹² As many as have sinned without the law will also perish without the law, and as many as have sinned under the law will be judged by the law, ¹³ for the hearers of the law are not justified before God, but the doers of the law will be justified. ¹⁴ For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature the things contained in the law, these, not having the law, are a law unto themselves, ¹⁵ who show the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, while their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them, ¹⁶ in the day when, according to my gospel, God will judge the secrets of men through Jesus Christ. Romans 2:12-16

The parties to familial conflict do not have to be ‘born-again Christians’ to know right from wrong. Neither is the conscience active only within a bond of ‘holy matrimony.’ God created all of mankind with a conscience.

When counseling couples (newlyweds, betrothed, or unmarried) I learned not to guide them. Here is one story about former neighbors.

A conflicted couple sought my counsel. His complaint: “She’s always telling me what to do.” I asked the woman, “When was the last time your criticism changed his behavior?” “Never,” she responded. This was a counseling instance several years ago. Who was at fault? Both. For a season, they separated. God’s grace worked on them. They reunited as man and wife months later and are staying solidly together forever.

Are professional counselors effective? Yes, some actually are. I have known situations where the counselor (a woman) urged the woman in conflict to leave her husband. The counselor taught her all about her rights. She instructed her to get what she needed from him in a court of law.

My counsel: the only winners in a family court are the lawyers.

God created the family. As the old song lyrics go, “One is a lonely number.”

If interpersonal conflict is the problem, what is the answer? The Bible addresses selfishness.

“Let nothing be done out of strife or conceit, but in humility let each esteem the other better than himself. Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Philippians 2:3-4

“For where there is envying and strife, there is confusion and every evil work.” James 3:16

“He who separates himself seeks his own desire; he seeks and quarrels against all wisdom.” Proverbs 18:1

“Now the works of the flesh are revealed, which are these: adultery, sexual immorality, impurity, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, strife, jealousy, rage, selfishness, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I previously warned you, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21

Selfishness is sinful. Selfishness gives birth to conflicts. Conflict leads to separation and loneliness.

“Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much.“ James 5:16

As we say in Texas, conflict resolution is not rocket science.

John White
Rockwall, Texas